Planet of the Apes: The Musical (Music Monday)
He can tap, he can talk, he can talk....I can sinnnnnnnng!
Can we talk about the greatest musical we never got? You know the one - that brilliant snippet from The Simpsons that's been living rent-free in my head since the 90s.
"I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-A to chimpan-Z" might be the greatest lyric ever written for a musical that doesn't exist. It's so perfectly crafted - the wordplay, the built-in rhyme, the pure spite of it all.
The "Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius" refrain that's pure Falco-style Euro-pop magic which you’re now singing in your head. It's never leaving. Trust me, I've been humming it for decades now. It’s so darned catchy even the BLUEGRASS version is catchy.
I've spent way too much time thinking about what the rest of this musical would look like. Would there be a big dance number when Taylor realizes he's on Earth? YES.
A villain song for Dr. Zaius about maintaining ape supremacy? YES.
A love song between Cornelius and Zira.
The possibilities are endless.
Let's map this thing out. Act One opens with Taylor and his crew in their spaceship, doing a classic "I Want" song about exploring the galaxy. Maybe call it "Beyond the Stars" or something suitably dramatic. Taylor is completely nihilistic while the others are positive. Then BOOM - crash landing, followed by a chase sequence through the cornfield set to uptempo percussion. Very "One Day More" from Les Mis, but with more screaming apes.
Then we get Nova's introduction - a wordless ballet, obviously. Because she can't speak. Work with what you've got, people.
The first act finale has to be the reveal that the apes can talk, building to that "Take your stinking paws off me" moment. Picture it: Taylor strapped to a gurney, spotlight tight on his face, the music building as apes in doctor's coats dance around him with medical instruments, and then BAM - the big reveal followed by a showstopping ensemble number. You just know there'd be a show-stopping number called "Damn Dirty Apes" that would bring down the house every night.
Act Two gets darker. We need a philosophical duet between Taylor and Dr. Zaius about the nature of mankind's downfall. Something in the vein of "Confrontation" from Jekyll & Hyde, but with more monkey suits. The orangutan backup dancers would really sell it.
And don't even get me started on the potential for the "You Maniacs!" finale. Picture it: Taylor on his knees in the sand, the Statue of Liberty looming behind him. The Simpsons nailed this.
The thing is, as ridiculous as it sounds, it could actually work. I mean, if they can make musicals about Spongebob and Spider-Man, why not Planet of the Apes? The source material already has drama, conflict, social commentary - all the stuff great musicals are made of. Is Lin-Manuel Miranda loose and down for a payday?
I'm telling you, if they ever actually made this thing, I'd be camping out for tickets like it's 1977 and Star Wars just opened. Though I suppose in the spirit of the material, it should really open in 3978.